What a journey life has been; Soaring high and falling flat on the surface. They say “You got to rise again” but things didn’t seem to work that way. I moved far away from God because I was deeply wounded by wrong experiences with people. I blamed God for my scars. I walked directly into the devil’s scheme and this was my greatest downfall. It was two years of blinded living. The struggles included my inability to pray, losing touch of God’s people and church, reviving the old practices of bad habits and countless more. I heard God's voice on a number of occasions but I gave the key to the legions of demons inside me. Life was dry and it was more like hell. People who knew me as a dedicated servant of God never got the chance to know this change and struggles about me because I kept it hidden. It was God's voice which reminded me to seek Him again. It was tougher to bounce back into His presence. It was a tug of war between my allowance to desire against self control. During this phase I remember praying desperately to God for help.
“I need you Lord. Please forgive my sins, I want to start a new life again. I seek refuge in your presence. Please comfort me. I cannot breathe with this pain and guilt. Heal me. Cleanse me. Please accept my prayer.” These were some of words I uttered in desperation for a rescue.
If our actions and decisions are judged on the basis of law, the weight of my sins and the penalties of my sins would be too much for me to bear. His grace sustained my return. During the darkest chapters of my life God was always besides me. He was silent but it was done on purpose. The two years of walking away from his presence was actually a preparation phase to refine and show all my sinful cravings inside my heart. The hidden idolatry was exposed, the extent of evil inside me bursted out to overflow. I became bitter because I allowed my emotions to become the foundation of my life. I replaced the authority of my emotions with God's word. As I look back I can see a beautiful process of refinement and it was God's grace which sustained me.
His knowledge of who we really are will never hinder his love for us. God's grace is unfathomable. Every time I think of this reality, I am brought to tears because I serve a God whose love and grace baffles me. His unmerited love brought me back to my knees.
“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:4-5
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